Yes, Master
by Christina
Summary: Obi-Wan's thoughts on training Anakin.


Title: Yes, Master

Author: Christina, [cwolf5511@aol.com][1]

Rating: PG

Spoilers: TPM, minor reference to Jedi Apprentice books

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, George Lucas does, don't make any money, yadda yadda

Archive: Ask please!

Feedback: Yes, please!

**

Yes, Master

I'd used those two words, so small yet meaning so much, a thousand times before. They came as second nature to me. It was the proper answer to most every statement made by the great Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Every other Padawan used it too. Even civilians said it to the Jedi. Qui-Gon must have heard it everywhere he went. But it meant so much more from my lips. To me and to him.

So you can imagine that I never suspected that it would be those very words that I would speak in the last moments of my mentor's life. 

Yes, Master.

Nor did I realize that those two words, insignificant to most, would change my very life.

**

Now, I am the Master. Those two words are spoken to me every day. Too many times to count. They float to my ears, and fasten themselves in my head. No matter how much I meditate, or how hard I train, they haunt me. 

Only it's not my voice, it's my Padawan's. His small, innocent voice. It sounds as though he takes so much pleasure in having someone to call Master. Even though I know, deep down, he'd always wished that person was Qui-Gon Jinn. Not that I can blame him. I wish Qui-Gon Jinn was here for me to say "yes Master" to as well. 

He's not. And those very words, those last words before the only father I've ever known died in my arms, brought Anakin Skywalker to me.

**

Anakin is a good Padawan. He's strong in the Force, and eager to learn. He says "yes Master" because he is genuinely accepting of what I teach him. He is always ready to do whatever it is that I tell him to do. 

Only, in the back of my mind, I am hesitant to teach him anything. He is so...strong. So powerful.

And so afraid.

Master Yoda told me he sensed fear in the boy.

Of course, every young boy is scared the first time they stand before the Council. Perhaps this was what rationalized it for me when I used those two fateful words to seal my promise to train him.

But I know that's not what it was. Rationalization was the farthest thing from my mind. My Master was dying. If he'd told me to fetch him the suns of Tatooine I would have promised him that I would. It didn't matter what he asked. His wish was my command. 

And so here I am.

Yes Master.

**

I watch Anakin every day. More than a Master usually watches his Padawan. I watch when Anakin is at rest, when he's studying, when he's training. I watch for signs of the balance he is supposed to bring. I watch for signs of darkness the Council seems to think is there. 

I see none of this. But I feel it. As sure as I sit here, I feel it. 

But it's so fleeting, I can barely grasp it before it slips away into the recesses of my mind. Then I wonder if I imagined it all along.

Am I just jealous of the attention my Master gave Anakin in the days before he died? Am I jealous that my Master asked for another Apprentice in front of me? In front of the boy? In front of everyone, before warning me he was going to do it?

I nearly fell over that day. Right there in front of the Council. I thought I was hearing things at first, and I looked over at my Master, _my_ Master, and he, the great Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, could only manage a sideways glance. He knew what he did was wrong. Wrong in the eyes of the Jedi Code and wrong in the eyes of his Padawan. Me. 

His Padawan.

My Master.

But, as I'd been trained to do for the twenty-five years of my life, I obeyed my Master. I stood by him. I agreed. 

Yes Master.

I am ready for the Trials. I told the Council this, even as I heard my Master say that there was no more he could teach me. 

But I felt lost. And I couldn't imagine functioning day to day without the wisdom of my teacher. He imparted wisdom to me all day long, and suddenly, with the discovery of a boy strong in the Force, I, Obi-Wan Kenobi, am all knowing?

I hated it. I hated that moment. I hated those days afterwards. But I acted dutifully. I am trained well.

Yes Master.

**

These words don't mean as much to me anymore. Even from someone so eager to learn as Anakin Skywalker is. He means it when he says it, I can tell. And yet, I don't derive pleasure from knowing that someone is hanging on to my every word.

I don't know enough to be the Master. I'm not ready for this. I still, as Qui-Gon always said, have much to learn about the living Force. 

I know now I should have taken a couple of years before taking on a Padawan. I needed to learn things. To experience things. But Anakin was already too old. He couldn't wait years to be trained. And I had said those words that bound him to me forever.

Yes Master.

Sometimes Anakin teaches me things. I don't even find surprise by it anymore. The boy is so much more in tune to the living Force than I am. It's never been my strong suit. I'll fight in battle all day long, using every Jedi skill I can gather into my brain. I'll recite the Galactic Republic's history, I'll name every star system in the galaxy, including their primary inhabitants and temperate zones. But don't ask me to explain people. Don't ask me to understand motivations, feelings, emotions, and purpose. 

Because I don't get it. The living Force. 

**

Yes, Master.

To me, Anakin is conditioned to say those words. It doesn't mean he doesn't mean it, he certainly thinks he does. But does he really? Honestly? Or his he saying what he knows he must say to become a Jedi? Do any of us really mean it?

Sometimes we don't. And we know it. When we are disparaged by the Council, we bow, say "yes Master" and leave. We leave angry. Some meditate, some go to the practice room and sweat out their frustrations. Some, like me, push it so far down inside of them they eventually can't find it, can't harness it, and it's just there. 

That's the most dangerous kind.

Anger that's just there is anger with it's own power. Anger of which you have no control. 

I often allow anger to control me. It controls my motivations, my actions, and more times than I care to admit, it's lead me to the path to the Dark Side. I've always chosen not to take that path, and always chastised myself for coming to those crossroads.

One day, I wonder if I will be able to stop myself. Will I go down that path? Like Qui-Gon's former Apprentice? Will I lead Anakin there? Will I push Anakin there?

**

These questions are another of my bigger flaws. Always worrying about the future. You must be mindful of the future, but not at the expense of the present. 

I spout that to Anakin at least twice a day. I could at least attempt to practice what I preach. But when I hear that "yes, Master", I can't. I begin to think about the past, and, like the future, it dominates the present. 

Would it be unorthodox to tell Anakin not to say "yes, Master"? I don't suppose that's proper. He'd take it as an insult, presume I didn't want to be his Master anymore. Or is that my reaction? That is certainly what I would do.

Self-confidence was never my strong suit. 

I could pretend, but it wasn't really there. Only when I was preparing for battle, light saber safely in hand, was I confident. So confident, that sometimes I came off as cocky. But in day to day matters, dealing with people, dealing with my Master, I was too eager to please. Too worried about not pleasing. Too quick to assume I hadn't.

Which is why I took it personally when Qui-Gon told the Council he wished to train Anakin. 

In retrospect, Qui-Gon acted as any Jedi Master would have when encountering a boy with such a midichlorian count. Excitement, possibility, _the Chosen One_. I want him as my Apprentice. I want to be known as the one that found and trained the Chosen One.

Of course it was not such an unusual thing to desire. Were'nt we all looking for our glory? Our way to make that special mark on the world? The thing that people are going to talk about long after you're dead and gone? We were all screaming for something to make us a legend.

Now I was training the Chosen One. Because more than being a legend, Qui-Gon did not want the world to miss out on what Anakin could bring it. 

But what would he bring it? I wonder now.

Part of me almost says, "yes Master" he will.

**

   [1]: mailto:cwolf5511@aol.com



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